Usually, my blog is more family oriented - a photo journal of what we've been up to and our travels. But today, I am feeling the urge to write something more personal.
I quit two major commitments (things I've done for years) this past week, both of which I love, and I would like to try to explain why I quit. I have been on the board of the Longmont Council for the Arts for 3 years. I enjoy art and believe it is important to enhance culture by supporting and promoting the arts. For three years, I have had a great time organizing the Art, Wine & Jazz annual fund raiser. This past year, however, I felt like I was just going through the motions. My heart was not completely in it. The event did well, but I still feel that it suffered because of my apathy. And I skipped the past two monthly board meetings because I felt stressed. My to do list was so long that I couldn't imagine sitting through a meeting for an hour and a half without being restless and projecting a negative attitude and being worthless to the organization.
The other thing I quit is the Tae Kwon Do program at my current dojo. I know. Huge. I won't even talk about how much I love TKD or how long I've done martial arts because I've done that in other posts (and because I don't want to cry).
I'll just try to explain why (this is as much for me to figure it all out myself as it is to explain it to anyone else).
I often take on too much. My "problem" is that I have a variety of interests, and I like to pursue all of them to the fullest. If I were single and childless and rich, I imagine I would still be in college, taking every possible class available. I love to learn new things. And I would volunteer for Habitat for Humanity and three or four other organizations in my free time. At my first high school teaching job, the principal had to call me in to his office and ask me to give up some of the clubs I sponsored. I guess most teachers sponsor one club, if any. I had German club, German Honor Society, Table Tennis, Swing Dancing, and Martial Arts. I think that's it. Part of it is that I have a hard time saying no, but much of it is also self-induced. All of those clubs represented either things I was already passionate about or things I wanted to learn more about. All of that is to say that I have gone through this same cycle many times in my life: taking on more and more and more until eventually I get overwhelmed and have to drop some things.
Like I said, "If I were single and childless . . ." but I'm not. So I can't act like it. My family comes first. I don't think I was putting them last when I was busy, but I was being drained of energy and time trying to put them at the top AND do everything else I wanted to do. Before John started taking TKD, he could pick up some of the slack. But now that he is taking it (and loving it), I felt like we were dragging the kids to the studio constantly (they are not doing TKD anymore, either; they were just there hanging out while we did our classes) and we were going out to eat a lot. Now I can keep them at home and cook healthy dinners more often. My son has also had a lot of stress in his life this school year. I'm not sure what it's all about (neither is he), but I'm hoping with more time at home in the evenings, he will feel less stressed, and we can work this out as a family.
Someone said to me the other day, "But you have to do something for yourself!" I do. I am. I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking that I am a martyr, giving up everything for my family. Far from it. I LOVE to teach. Always have. And with Fox Creek Fitness, I still get to teach lots of my Tiny Tigers classes and a few kickboxing classes. I also run and attend some KB classes for myself. I often treat myself to Starbucks or a new book. I go on Girls' Nights Out and Cousins' Weekends. I do plenty for myself. And being so busy was putting stress on me, personally, as well - not just on the other members of my family. I've only been a "quitter" for a few days now, but I can already feel the stress melting away.
And I have to write this, to remind myself: my Sensei said I can come join in on a class whenever I want. And I know I can practice forms and combos and techniques on my own whenever I want. I even have friends who will let me beat up on them from time to time to keep up my sparring. :) So, it's not like I'm giving up martial arts; I'm just not going to be a part of the program and feel like I need to go to class three times a week and push myself to constantly improve.
I have a friend who has been through a lot (hard times) this last year, and her blog is called Ctrl+Alt+Del because in many ways she is starting over. I'm not having to do a full reboot of my life's computer. I'm just moving a few files to the Archive folder, storing them there to reduce the clutter on my desktop (because clutter drives me insane). I can come back and retrieve them anytime.
Ah. Deep breath.
